


I Wish I Could Tell You I Love You

by Gatherer_of_Clouds



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s03e15 Coda, F/M, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23761309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gatherer_of_Clouds/pseuds/Gatherer_of_Clouds
Summary: An angsty post-Coda fic set on the holodeck version of Lake George. Need I say more?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	I Wish I Could Tell You I Love You

The setting sun casted a golden orange glow on to the pale billowing sails of their boat and the glittering waters around them. They sat side by side in the boat which was being urged forward by a patient wind.  
She watched him out of the corner of her eye. His head was tilted back, and his breathing was relaxed. Despite the deeply calmly environment around them, all she could perceive of him was his hysteria down on the planet.

“Kathryn! Kathryn! Breathe dammit!” Tears rolled down his face, and his hands shook as he tried desperately to get her heart to beat again, “Don’t you leave me now!” Her spirit sat next to her body and her first officer. They were consumed in darkness as the wind and rain roared around them like an angry beast.

“Chakotay, can’t you see me? I’m right here,” she reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder, just as she’s done so many times before, but this time her hand went right through him.

“Captain?” Her eyes fluttered opened. When had she closed her eyes?

“Yes, Chakotay?” Her whisper was barley auditable over the sound of the waves lapping against the boat. She knew he heard her regardless. He seemed to struggle with what to say, and he took a few deep breaths in before he spoke up again.

“You seem bothered by something. If it was your experience today or something else, then you know I’m here. You can tell me,” his coal eyes searched her own for answers.

“I’m much more resilient then I look,” she patted his hand that lay on the seat in between them, elated to be able to interact with her surroundings again. He didn’t say anything, but instead turned his hand palm up, and gripped her smaller hand. His larger hand was warm and grounded her to the world like an anchor. She wanted to reach out to him and melt into his strong arms and stay curled up there forever, but she was the captain of a ship on a perilous journey. 

She had to be strong by herself. She couldn’t fold now, especially in the perilous space that lay crawling with dangers. Chakotay was a luxury she could not afford. A relationship between them could compromise the command structure. She had to remain unfeeling and keep her emotions from clouding her judgement.

It was so easy to stand tall by herself in the face of adversity before. Why did he have to worm his way into her cold heart, and make her knees wobble? It must have been his dimpled smile and soothing voice, and the way he stood loyal to her despite being on opposite sides in the beginning.

She tried to blow these thoughts from her mind, so it would be empty again. Empty with only the senses of her simulated environment to fill it, but the thoughts kept returning and plaguing her mind. The only real thing she could focus on was Chakotay’s hand holding her own.

All she wanted to do was soak up this moment. This moment of them together under the dying remnants of light above Lake George. When they left the holodeck, all this would be over. The world outside, the lone Federation ship stranded in the Delta Quadrant, was a cruel unforgivable reality. They could never just be together this way. Her thoughts drifted back to the pale pink rose he gifted her. In another life perhaps she could’ve leaned up and kissed him, and told him-

“Kathryn?”

“Yes?”

“I’ve been thinking,” Chakotay paused clearly waiting for permission to continue override the calming quiet.

“Go on,”

“I almost lost you today,” she turned her face away from the sunset, to look at him, “I don’t think I would’ve known what to do without you,”

“You’re a competent leader, and the crew respect you, Chakotay. You’d do fine,”

“That’s not what I meant,” he shook his head. I want to hold you, and protect you, my woman warrior. I want it to be me in the line of danger. Never you. I want to hold you in my arms, never let go, and to tell you I love you.

“I knew what I signed up for when I joined Starfleet,” she couldn’t bare the sheer pain and guilt in his eyes, so she turned away and stared back towards the horizon where the sun was dipping into the rippling waters, “I’m fine really,” she tilted her chin up.

“You might, but how can I be?” His voice weakly drifted out from his lips.

“We’ve both seen each other risk our lives,” she let go of his hand and squeezed his shoulder, “It’s part of the job,”

“I suppose,”

“We can’t do this Chakotay,” she sadly glanced up at him, “I‘m going to be married to Mark when we get back home, and even if we never make it back,” tears burned at her eyes, but she held them back, “Starfleet regulations forbid a Captain from getting into a relationship with a subordinate,” he hunched over, “I cannot uphold the rules of the Federation only when it’s easy or convenient. Moreover, I can’t put this crew at risk. We’re already so far from home. I can’t be both your captain and lover,” her vision blurred and tears soddened her cheeks. She jolted when he lurched forward and embraced her tightly. She meekly raised her arms and squeezed his torso. I wish I could tell you I love you.

She buried her face into his neck dampening it with bitter tears. The sun was gone now, and the sky was a dark purple navy shade. Stars would come out soon like freckles to dot the sky. The waves continued to gently beat against the sides of the boat, and the wind picked up a tad. She shivered leaning further into him, but all too soon, he leaned back, and pulled away from her. He gripped her shoulders and stared into her blue eyes.

He left her arms and chest empty and chilled, and she felt her heart long for the space between them to close again. It was as if he read her thoughts because the former firebrand leaned forward again and brushed a shy kiss to her forehead.

“I understand,” he said softly, “Maybe one day...” he trailed off and his glassy eyes shined in the pale light of the lonesome moon.

“Maybe one day,” she whispered back to him. It was more painful to deny out right what could never be, than to acknowledge the painful truth. She opened her arms once more in a silent question, and he embraced her again. She closed her eyes and let the artificial wind dry her face. They wished this time together would last forever, even if time seemed to rush by when they could tear down their walls like this.

“I’ll stay by your side. Forever. Just know I am here and my arms are always open for you, and I’ll always love you, Kathryn,”


End file.
